Scientists Uncover Multiple Varieties of Asians

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asianIn the wake of renewed interest in Hong Kong (in ‘Asia’) we have set about unravelling the complex social interactions of the place known as ‘Asia’ and its adorable people known as ‘Asians’.

Scientists have recently confirmed that while the ‘Chinese’ are ‘Asians’ not all ‘Asians’ are ‘Chinese’… though some are. Scientists have yet to unravel the linguistics of ‘Asian’, but ‘Chinese’ is currently believed to be a regional dialect of said language.

While all Asians look very much the same, there are some distinctions that The Lapine investigators were able to discover. While such distinctions are often invisible to outsiders, they are held to be important by the people of ‘Asia’.

Japanese – Island dwellers who feast on raw fish and despise the ‘below’ types.
Koreans – Do not like the ‘Japanese’
Chinese – Do not like the ‘Japanese’ or the ‘Koreans’.
Vietnamese – Do not like any of the above.
Malaysians – Islamers who reportedly despise all the above groups.
Mongolians – Apparently very into horses, and disliking the ‘Chinese’.
H’Mông- What?
Tibetans- Basically extinct.

Sorting out the complex hate-filled mosaic of Asia is clearly no easy task. Our investigators also found that among the ‘Korean’ Asians there are actually two kinds. Both kinds, unsurprisingly, also hate each other.

A new breed of Asian, Cambodian, has recently been discovered though its characteristics both physical and social remain a mystery. It is very possible too, that in the wilds of Asia, many other, yet undiscovered, breeds remain.

Indians are kind-of Asians. Mexicans are not Asians.

Brian White
Reportering For The Lapine

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