Second Loon Added to New Loonies to Tackle Diving Dollar
WINNIPEG — The Royal Canadian Mint was ordered today to begin imprinting dollar coins with two loons rather than one in an effort to restore the CAD’s dropping value.
“Everyone knows that a loon signifies one dollar,” Chief Finance Minister Bill Morneau said at an Ottawa press conference. “Printing another loon on the same coin has got to make it worth a bit more, right?”
When it was pointed out that two loons should actually signify two dollars, Morneau was quick to respond. “We’ll just hide sixty percent of the second loon behind the first. All we need is for the dollar to be worth another 38 cents.”
Despite the bravery of Morneau’s economic policy, not everyone shares his optimism. A middle-aged woman, who admitted her favourite coin was a dime, was unhappy with the change.
“We already have a toonie,” she said when confronted about the Minister’s radical plan. “What’s next? A fournie? A fivenie?”
The Lapine contacted slightly deaf Morneau for a reaction. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” he replied. “Biology has taught us that it’s impossible to have more than two knees.”
Fortunately for the Bank of Canada, support for Morneau’s controversial decision is better than his hearing. Bird experts like Michael Featherstone have become unlikely advocates for the upcoming alteration, even if the dollar’s fiscal value remains unchanged.
“I don’t care if it fails to dig us out of our financial deficit,” Featherstone said. “It’s nice to see the loon we know and love out and about with a friend. Loons are famously monogamous birds. I’ll be delighted to see a male and a female loon…or, hey, gay loons…represented on our national coin in a way that’s ornithologically accurate.”
If the new loonie proves to be a success, Morneau has grand plans for the future of Canadian money.
Sources close to the Trudeau government have hinted that the treasury is poised to begin printing two queens on every bill in an attempt to combat Canada’s growing apathy towards the monarchy.
Reportering for The Lapine