‘Slow Olympics’ to Debut This August



MUNICH — Preparations are nearing completion for the world’s first Slow Olympics, where athletes from around the world will compete while living in the moment.

Inspired by other Slow movements such as Slow Food, Slow Parenting and Slow Emergency Response, the first annual Slow Olympics is scheduled to open this August in the Bavarian town of Platzed.

“It’s not about how ‘fast’ you can do it or if you can do it ’better’ than the other guy…it’s about how rewarding is it for you on a deep and personal level,” said International Slow Olympics Committee’s president Dietrich Schleppers.


Up to 500 athletes from a dozen countries are expected to “uncompete” in such unique Slow Olympics events as the 100 Metre Meander, the Easy-Does-It-Don’t-Give-Yourself-a-Hernia Discus Throw, and (to be live-streamed online) Ladies Hot Tub Volleyball.

With no starting guns or finish lines, judges will rate-but-not-judge athletes on such Slow Olympics criteria as “in the zone”, “stopping to smell the roses”, “being in touch with your body beautiful”, and “peak mindful experience”.

The inaugural Slow Olympics is expected to draw a huge TV audience and will finish “by 2017 at the very latest,” according to Schleppers, a former mascot for the Turks and Caicos national soccer team.


“Unless, of course, people are having a really calm time, in which case it could go on and on and on …” he added.

Platzed mayor Hoagy Carmichaelstein expects the Slow Olympics will put his sleepy Alpine village on the map.

“We are already famous from up to 100 kilometres for our Wiener Schnitzel, our beer gardens, unt our coronary thrombosis. Slow athletics is, for us, a perfect fit!”

Shleppers promises athletes will be strictly – and very slowly – tested for performance-enhancing drugs such as Xanax, Halcion and chamomile tea.

Pre-event sex will be encouraged – “and facilitated.”

Syd Baumel
Reportering For The Lapine