“Sorry. This Amazing Curling Video Clip is Only Available in Canada.”
OTTAWA — The Harper government reacted today to the seemingly increasing number of blocked video clips on newsfeeds into Canada by U.S. companies, saying they will retaliate by giving U.S. net users a taste what it feels like.
“No more Degrassi highlights for Americans!” said the Honourable James Moore, Minister of Defending Canadian Heritage.
“That’ll get their attention.”
“Big U.S. companies regularly block video clips into Canada of things like Saturday Night Live and now “The 100 Best and Worst Red Carpet Outfits from The 2015 Oscars”? It’s time to fight back.”
“Prime Minister Harper has instructed me to look into what Canadian content we can use to block them right back. Men’s and women’s curling? For sure. Heartland…hahaha nah, not Heartland. Little Mosque on the Prairie…is that still on? What about Suits…wait I think that one’s U.S.-owned?”
Moore’s threats came in response to comments yesterday from the CEO of American media giant Comcast saying that Canadians should “stop with the sissy whimpering” whenever they get blocked.
“Look, every day you Canadians eat Canadian things like cabbage, right?” Comcast’s Brian L. Roberts Jr. told CTV.
“But cabbage isn’t free! You have to pay for a head of cabbage…or a ball of cabbage, whatever you call it.”
“Seriously. If you people in Canada don’t pay, the incredible things Kim and Kanye got up to today don’t play.”
“Just tell your internet provider that you’re willing to pay more, and you’ll start getting all these entertaining and informative American video clips.”
Mr. Moore declined to comment on Roberts “cabbage” explanation, but told reporters even Amazing Race Canada and Mr. Harper’s the-life-of-your-Prime-Miniser show, 24/SEVEN, may become blocked.
Reportering for The Lapine