Starbucks Baristas Can’t Spell Worth “Dick” — Company Starts Paying College Tuition

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SEATTLE, WA. — The final straw for Starbucks management came when a San Francisco student got his Grande latte with “Dink” printed on the side.

His name is Dick.

Pretty similar some might argue.

But customer complaints about having their names badly misspelled in Magic Marker have prompted Starbucks to help send their staff back to school with partial or full tuition.

“Virginia” is not spelled “Vagina,” Starbucks President and CEO Howard Schultz told the Seattle Times in announcing the program to improve name-spelling.

“Bob” is not spelled “Bawb.”

“Jude” is not spelled “Jewed.”

“Nobody’s name is “Anus.”

“I could go on but you can see why our customers feel like they’re maybe drinking someone else’s Soy Venti Mocha.”

“I got my order last week and my cup referred to me as “How Weird,” said Shultz.

With 155,000 U.S. and Canadian employees, Starbucks has admitted that 96,500 of them failed a basic spelling test although they did better than the national average of 38%.

SpellCheck.com last month named Starbucks the winner of their annual “There-They’re-Their Award” and posted Starbucks’ reply letter addressed to “SepllCheck”.

Instagram postings of “name-calling” Starbucks cup photos number in the tens of thousands with most coffee customers seeing the humor in having even the simplest of names botched up.

“It added a grin to my day for sure,” said 24-year-old Tacoma Hotel Management student Kobe whose Frappuccino cup re-named him “Kabob.”

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Kabob/Kobe gave the Times some of his favorite Starbucks misspellings:

Pepe – Poopy
Belinda – Blah Blah Blah
Nicholas – Nickel Ass
Ali – Alley
Phil – Fill
Celine – Ceiling
Harry – Hairy
Ticia – Tits.

“Helping these Starbuckers go back to school is great and all,” said Penish Perez.

“But I bet they’ll keep spelling my name wrong.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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