Sudan Refugee Crisis Now Officially ‘Soo Yesterday’

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It has now been confirmed that the desperate plight of Sudan’s refugees is now officially ‘sooo yesterday’. The long debate on whether this issue is still ‘hip’ was officially ended on Tuesday when several ‘Save Darfur’ T-shirts were found discarded around several major metropolitan areas. As this phase of popular empathy has now passed The Lapine feels free to speculate upon what shall fill the now gaping gap in pop culture. Thus our reporters interviewed various citizens who had been previously concerned about the fate of Darfur, on what they or their favorite celebrities had to say about the changing phases of ‘what is in’.

Monaca Smith, a young fashionista, expressed both excitement and curiosity about what would be the new cool issue to tackle. “Before Sudan environmentalism was popular, and that was like really hard. I had to like feel guilty all the time and sometimes recycle and yeah, but with that African country, Darfur or whatever, all I had to do was wear a ‘save Darfur T-shirt’. It was really easy; I hope that the next issue I decide to help solve will be like just as easy.”

Our reporters only got a blank stare as we asked the ex-Darfur supporter about her personal views on the complex ethnic and social compositions of Darfur or the chances of a future referendum on the independence of that region from Sudan. “Well, I think it was really bad, I don’t know but someone will like make a movie and then I’ll like tell you about it” was her only response.

Perhaps she will soon be able to, several high profile directors are already poising themselves to capitalize off the misery of millions of Sudanese. Various leading actors, such as Leonardo DeCaprio are also scrambling to get their piece. The only people who aren’t capitalizing off the humanitarian crisis, strangely enough, are the victims of the Darfur conflict itself.

While no one has actually bothered to check due to the uncool implications of it, it is believed that the residents of Darfur are now getting along fine. A conflict, which, thanks to millions of young fashionably conscious North Americans, has most likely ended. Much like the threat of ecosystem degradation and climate change was ended a few years previously. So what new problem shall these young ‘hip’ masses conquer, what new genocide shall they now resolve? What new issue shall give a temporary feeling of purpose to the mindless first world masses?

Some ideas proposed by famously worldly and pragmatic celebrities and entertainers, include adopting stray kittens and outlawing genetically modified crops. Businessmen are already positioning themselves for this upcoming shift in pop culture. One local businessman, who only gave us his first name, Paul, believed that child labor would make a comeback as an important issue. “Back before even environmentalism, children in sweatshops were a cool problem. It was fun solving it and I’m hoping it becomes cool again, you could even say that I’m banking on it.”

Paul has already ordered five thousand T-shirts from an obscure factory in Bangladesh with the words ‘save the children’ boldly splayed across them. Perhaps that is a problem that the ‘cool’ masses can comprehensively solve once again.

Brian Smith

The Lapine’s Senior Political Analyst

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