Syrian Almost Ceasefire Imposes Responsible Massacres


The explicit violence in Syria may soon be coming to a final long awaited conclusion. Senior NATO and Arab League officials met with Syrian president Bashar Al Assad in Damascus on Friday and brokered a low level ceasefire. Several influential leaders among the international community also expressed optimism for a ceasefire in the very near future. According to the terms of the newly proposed ceasefire, Bashar Al Assad will scale down his massacres to a more responsible level. As a bonus the Syrian dictator also promised to reduce the torture carried out by his regime to pre-rebellion levels. The Syrian rebels, in return for these generous terms, would naturally be required to surrender their weapons immediately to the regime’s forces.

French president Nicholas Sarkozy, speaking at the United Nations, hailed the new proposal as the obvious solution to the current crisis. After somehow switching topics from Syrian to the many glories of France, Sarkozy was eventually forced to leave the podium after a delegation from Germany fell asleep three hours into his talk. While French nationalists are appalled at what they see as the lack of respect shown to France at the United Nations, most world leaders would concur with what was intended to be the crux of the French President’s speech; the statement that the soon to be implemented ceasefire is a desirable conclusion to the brutal conflict.

Even China, with its reputation for opposing any kind of intervention or imposed humanitarian ceasefires, has thrown its full weight behind the deal. Russia has also agreed to follow China and the rest of the world’s lead in this.

United States Secretary of State Hilary Clinton claimed a political triumph on behalf of American President Barack Obama, claiming that soon the Syrian regime would be oppressing its people less obviously and keeping the tortures and killings hidden away in dark underground rooms.

With the ceasefire quickly coming into effect, foreign reporters have already begun leaving the country by the planeload. Our reporters, as they were boarding a plane to leave Syria, reported that a mob of average Syrians attempted to come with them. Strangely they did not seem to understand that a ceasefire, which would mabye bring them protection, was soon probably coming into effect.

In other news, with the impending end of conflict and the declining threat of regional destabilization, the price of oil has dropped by almost three percent. A welcome blessing to us all and a fitting ending to a conflict which once threatened to tear Syria apart.

Jim Dyer

The Lapine’s Senior Political Analyst



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