Tar Sands renamed “Happy Sands” by Oil Industry


CALGARY — In a bid to improve the image of the Alberta tar sands, the oil industry today launched a new name for the 54,000 square mile (141,000 sq.k) heavy oil open mine.

Happy Sands.

“This name more accurately reflects all the smiles that our oil brings to faces,” said David Collyer, President of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers (CAPP) today at a media conference.

“The public has criticized us in the past, but I think it was the whole Tar name really.”

“I mean who is going to say anything bad about something named Happy?”

While commonly referred to as the Alberta Tar Sands, the correct name is the Athabasca Oil & Goo Sands. The sprawling region in northeastern Alberta produces more than 1.3 million barrels of extremely heavy crude oil a day and expects to double that output within a week or two.

“Our Happy oil ends up fueling cars, being made into plastics and moisturizing facial creams and bug repellent and all kinds of really happy products,” CAPP Vice President of Sales and the Environment Alex Ferguson told CBC and CTV today.

“And our Happy oil is even in some of your favorite foods. Bet you didn’t know that?”

The Happy Sands oil is scraped and dug from surface soil and rocks, and then crushed and ground into a finer Goo. After hot water and Diet Coke are added, the product is put through a centrifugal spin process separating out the oil. The waste water and Diet Coke are then piped into man-made lakes, called tailings ponds, for evaporation and maybe reclamation.

“The Happy Sands have proven reserves of 1.7 trillion barrels just sitting right there in the mud,” said Ferguson proudly.

“Think about that the next time you enjoy your Kraft French Dressing.”

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine



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