Ted Cruz House in Canada Toilet Papered With Bargain Brand

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Egged-House-Sized
CALGARY — Up to 20 rolls of Walmart Great Value toilet paper were used last night to TP the house that presidential candidate Ted Cruz lived in as a child according to police.

The Cruz family were renters in the Calgary house in 1970 when Senator Cruz was born but it was recently purchased by Cruz’s father, Rafael, who has been aggressively petitioning the city to designate it an international historical site.

“We suspect this act of vandalism was carried out by adults,” Calgary Police Detective Jim Stern told Good Morning America earlier today.

“There were multiple Tim Hortons coffee cups found at the scene.”

“And a number of cardboard signs were left on the steps saying, “We’re Sorry America” and “Please Don’t Blame Us”…those sorts of things.”

ted cruz celebrates

Reactions to the Cruz announcement that he intends to become the “next great Republican President” have been mixed so far with some Twitter users praising his promise to “make America great for Americans again” and other twitterers just having a really good laugh.

“We want our American friends to know that this is not like Canadians at all,” said Stern.

“We are far more likely to use Real Canadian Superstore toilet paper for pranks like this…it’s a better quality ass wipe and oddly its brand name is President’s Choice Toilet Paper…really. How ironic is that?”

Police continue to investigate but so far have refused to comment on Rafael Cruz’s call to designate the hooliganism a hate crime.

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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