Ted Cruz Says Satan is Lurking in Your iPhone after CEO Tim Cook Says He’s Happy as Hell to be Gay
DALLAS — Republican Senator Ted Cruz took a hammer to his iPhone last night in a dramatic and fiery sermon to the Southern Baptists of Texas.
“The Devil is a sweaty homosexual who whispers in your ear to have man-on-man sex with your neighbor, your boss, the pizza delivery guy,” shouted Cruz to the enthusiastic crowd before throwing his iPhone to the floor and jumping on it with both feet.
“Make no mistake, the sneaky Devil lives in your iPhone.”
“Be gone Devil. I command you be gone,” Cruz said shifting from stomping on his iPhone to repeatedly bashing it into shards with a hammer, forcing front-row Baptists to cover their faces from flying bits of plastic.
Cruz’ angry pulpit speech came about following Apple CEO Tim Cook’s public coming out as gay and saying he considers “being gay among the greatest gifts God has given” him.
“Sodomy is evil, dirty, and I hear it’s also very messy,” Cruz told the Dallas Morning News following his performance.
Senator Cruz said he is calling for all righteous Christians to destroy all their “homosexual Apple products” immediately and “to go forth and have a traditional marriage between a virgin and a man.”
The Morning News reported however that the Senator was spotted texting on an iPhone 6+ as he left the building.
“Make no mistake, Apple itself has been outed,” said Cruz as he got into his waiting car.
“Mr. Cook will spend eternity roasting weenies in hell.”
Reportering for The Lapine