Ted Cruz Speech Cures Iowa Man’s Erectile Dysfunction

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Loser-SizedDES MOINES — A 38-year-old Iowa man says he was excitedly jumping up and down cheering Ted Cruz at a rally today when he was “overwhelmed by a sudden, surging gush of love” that has restored his lost manlihood.

And Dale Scofield says it was a miracle that has earned Cruz his vote.

“Ted was praying hard for America — praying for us to smite our enemies, praying for us to be naked before the Lord — and then, wham, it happened,” Scofield told CNN following the event.Cruz-Sermon-Correctly-Sized“A beautiful miracle occurred for me right then and there on the concrete floor of the convention hall, and I knew Ted Cruz was my man,” said a still flushed Scofield.

“It’s been hard…well, actually it hasn’t been ha ha…it’s been hard suffering from this but today a man cured me. And that man is the next President of the United States, Ted Cruz.”

Scofield, a dog groomer and weekend Uber driver, says he has suffered from “dead-as-a-doornail erectile dysfunction” for more than 5 years and that he attended the Cruz rally after a friend told him that his lifelong stuttering had stopped after yelling at back-to-back-to-back Ted Cruz TV ads.Faithhealers“I’m not an overly religious guy but — whoa— if Ted Cruz can get my lap zap back, what can’t he do?” said Scofield.

“Can he cure my male pattern baldness? Can he get rid of my irritable bowels? Can he create more jobs? Calm the blacks down?”

“I wasn’t even thinking about my…you know…my guy down there, but when Ted started to pray it was like he must have known I was troubled. Thank you Ted Cruz. Thank you Jesus.”

Cruz-Halo-Sized

The New York Times reported earlier this week that there have been 17 claims of miracles during the GOP nomination race with 8 of those attributed to Ted Cruz, 6 to Marco Rubio, and 3 to Donald Trump.  One miracle claim was exposed as fraudulent after a Muslim admitted he had been paid $500 to say he attended a Trump rally and wasn’t thrown out.

“In America, it’s like we don’t want to talk about miracles,” said Scofield.

“Or erectile dysfunction.”

“President Cruz will change all that…and he’ll do some serious carpet bombing and ass kicking.  Amen to that.”

Dan LeHomme
Reportering for The Lapine

 

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