Texas State Guard Sprays Febreze on Pro-Choice Supporters


AUSTIN – Thousands of Texans protesting the passage of a new ultra-restrictive abortion law outside the state Legislature in Austin were confronted by hundreds of armed Texas State Guards today after they ignored Republican Governor Rick Perry’s bullhorned order to disperse.

Minutes later, Governor Perry gave the order for the Guards to open fire. With “Cranberry and Frost” Febreze.

“The schtank of these terrorists was gettin’ in my nose holes,” said Perry.

“And when they started stompin’ their smelly feet and singin’ Kumbaya, it was too much for even a kind-hearter like me to take.”

The crowd was protesting against a Republican “women’s health” omnibus bill that will see the closure of 37 of the state’s 42 clinics that provide access to abortion services. Supporters of the bill note that abortions can still be purchased at remaining surgical centers owned by United Surgical Partners where Governor Perry’s sister, Milla Perry Jones, is the Chief Lobbyist.

Governor Perry says he debated using tear gas to break up the “leftie liberal losers” but opted for Febreze on the suggestion of his brother, former GOP leadership rival Herman Cain, to “clear the air.”

“I tried to get Febreze that uses a Texas crop scent like grapefruit or melons but no luck. I do think we talked them into opening a plant here in our great State though,” said Perry.

Kathryn Hellya
Reportering for The Lapine



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