The Person Next to You is Likely Stoned — World Health Study


NEW YORK — A new international World Health Organization survey shows that more than 2.6 million people of all walks, ages and lifestyles have recently tried marijuana for the first time.

“The Starbucks’ baristas were almost all stoned for example,” said Dr. Erich Gurner, Directeur General of the WHO’s Social Research Division based in Washington.

“Priests and pastors. Almost a dozen Mayors. 90-year-olds in wheelchairs. Police officers. Mormons, Baptists and atheists. One very odd man in Langley, B.C., who said he plucked turkeys by day and stripped at a “lady’s club” at night but was always stoned.”

“There are a lot more baked people out there now for sure. Your bank teller? Your boss? The person slicing your cajun ham at the Sateway deli? Hell even your parents, grandparents and old Uncle Bob. Getting zipped.”

The WHO conducted more than 10,000 on-line and telephone interviews among randomly chosen adults in 16 countries.

They were asked the simple question, “Have you ever tried marijuana?”

Interviewers say a lot of respondents seemed to laugh a lot and may have been high during the survey. Some interviewers indicated that they could tell immediately that the person was stoned and wanted to change the question to something more relatable to a stoned person: “Have you ever been so high you could only stop laughing long enough to eat a few Burger King Whoppers?”

The numbers showed a 17.3% increase in marijuana usage and fully half of those respondents said they had just tried pot for the first time within the past year.

Two percent of new users said they did not know how to “ingest” marijuana and many resorted to eating it, with one man in Manchester, U.K., indicating he had no idea so “put some up there rectally” but the survey does not note if he successfully got stoned if he is just a bit odd.

“Some of the interviews were a hoot…sorry for the pun. Talking to a stoned nun in Des Moines was a new experience,” laughed Gurner.

The study had to delete the results from Outlook, Montana, as 100% of the survey participants from the town of 47 quickly admitted to smoking marijuana, usually before breakfast. WHO officials felt this could affect the survey’s accuracy.

Survey results are considered accurate 20 times out of 19.


Dan LeHomme
Stoned and Reportering for The Lapine



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