Tim Thomas Predicts Lockout, Republicans Deemed Psychic


With an impending lockout looming and no sign of a season in sight, it seems that no player will be playing NHL hockey this season, and the players have only themselves to blame. While almost two-thirds of the league is operating in the red, the players are demanding more money for every player, proposing the league minimum salary be raised to $5 million (CDN), including for entry level contracts, all while the owners only wish to share the league revenue more evenly.

A large rift has separated the players and owners since the discussions began, so it is surprising that nobody saw this coming. Well, almost nobody.

When Tim Thomas decided earlier in the summer that he was taking the next year off, it shocked the world. The most important thing to Thomas was to “put [his] time and energies into those areas and relationships that [he has] neglected.” Thomas was of course referring to his friends in the GOP whom he had not much contact with after joining the Bruins organization nearly a decade ago.

His taking a year off seemed to signal as though he would contend for the Vice Presidency, but his dropping out of the race to allow Paul Ryan to take the position cast doubt on his reasons for taking the year off. This lead to Thomas making a shocking announcement on Facebook.

“I’m a psychic.”

It goes much deeper than that though. Thomas has been working with Republican scientists to prove the existence of a psychic gene, currently being hailed as the “Republican-Psychic Gift”, or RPG for short. The RPG is said to exist only in true-born Republicans, manifesting itself the strongest in the most religious right-wing.

“I knew [Paul] Ryan had a stronger grasp of the gift than I did, which is why I conceded this race,” said Thomas. “As for the NHL, it is obvious that none of the other players have the same foresight I do, otherwise I they would have been standing by my side defending Chick-fil-A.”

The Republican research team has also determined that the gene does not kick in until one reaches the age of 35, though it may become noticeable in the those who the gift is destined to be strongest as early as 30.

This oddity explains the sudden increase in ability of Tim Thomas at such a late stage in his career. “I knew where the other players were going to shoot. Literally.”, said Thomas of his 2011 Stanley Cup Championship Run. “I would have done it again in 2012, but I knew that our team was going to fall short offensively, so I had accepted the defeat before the playoffs began.” He later noted this was the reason he always skated off the ice immediately following a loss.

Like many other Americans Thomas is turning his attention to the Presidential election in two months, but he says he’s not worried about the results. “The RPG is stronger in Mitt than any other Republican in history. He knows exactly how this election is going to play out.”

Ryan Petty

Senior Sports Analyst

reporting for The Lapine



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