Voter Donations to Harper Retirement Fund Top $4 Million

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OTTAWA — Liberal leader Justin Trudeau announced today that a Kickstarter-like crowd-funding campaign has been a big hit with voters raising more than $4 million to lure Prime Minister Stephen Harper into hanging up his political hat.

And the money keeps rolling in.

“Mr. Harper is like chlamydia…makes you itch just thinking about it,” said Trudeau to media gathered outside Parliament.

“But we cannot get rid of Mr. Harper with ointment and antibiotics.”

“Canadians have pitched in $4.2 million dollars to the #goawayharper fund that will become his if and only if he resigns before the October election and goes back to whatever he did before.”

“Or pursues a career in music…whatever.”

Trudeau says donations cannot be made at any Canadian bank following the blunt refusal of Canada’s so-named Big Five banks to even consider the effort once they were informed it was “something not pro-Harper”.

RBC Royal Bank, CIBC, BMO Bank of Montreal, Scotiabank, and TD Canada Trust declined to comment but the Ottawa Citizen is reporting that more than a 400 unnamed bank employees have contacted the newspaper asking how to donate.

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“Yes, it’s sad that we have to pay Mr. Harper to fuddle duddle off but it’s like he has no idea his popped gaskets are showing,” said Trudeau.

“We’re hoping that $4 million added to his heavy-weight pension and shares in the oil industry will be enough to make him go away for the good of Canada.”

“Mr. Harper turned down our offer of $2 million but his eyebrows twitched at $3 million, so we went for $4 million to be sure.”

Donations can still be made on Twitter by contacting either @liberal_party or @JustinTrudeau.

Tax receipts are not available as a result of a Canada Revenue Agency ruling that #goawayharper is “flippant and in complete disrespect of an Honourable Prime Minister to whom we all owe our very quality of life.”

“Mr. Harper somehow became a millionaire while being Prime Minister,” said Trudeau.

“Now he can be an even bigger millionaire just by buggering off.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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