Trump Announces “Trumpcoin” Cryptocurrency to Repay National Debt
WASHINGTON — With the U.S. national debt topping $21 trillion and climbing rapidly due in part to the tax cut bill he signed into law, President Donald Trump announced today what he called a “huge plan” to address the nation’s fiscal imbalances.
“When I ran for President — won big — huger than anyone ever in history ever — more than Obama by millions and millions…” Trump told reporters at a hastily-called news conference this morning.
“…I promised to repay the national debt in 8 years. Under my huge new plan — which I made up myself, forget all those experts, and which I have already instructed the Treasury department to begin to implement…” continued Trump.
“…we will repay the debt much more quickly. So fast your head will spin. You’ll forget we ever even had a debt.”
“Under my plan, we will create a new cryptocurrency: Trumpcoin,” Trump said, clapping his hands enthusiastically and finally getting to the point. “With my trademarked Trumpcoin, we will repay the national debt quickly and effectively, believe me. Believe me on this one.”
Trump said that unlike other cryptocurrencies, Trumpcoin will also be available in physical form and will include a special shiny, commemorative edition Trumpcoin featuring the likeness of Trump himself.
“Trumpcoin will be the most beautiful-looking money since the Andrew Jackson confederate dollar,” Trump said.
“Trumpcoin will not only be the greatest cryptocurrency in history, it will be the greatest currency, period,” Trump added. “Better than Bitcoin, better than the dollar, and much, much, better than the currency of any shithole country from Haiti or Africa.”
Trump went on to explain the genesis behind Trumpcoin.
“Recently I did some reading about cryptocurrency and quickly became, well, pretty much the world’s greatest expert on it,” he said.
Asked about the extent of his “reading,” Trump explained that “John Kelly showed me some really neato-looking pictures.”
Trump added, “Learning about cyptocurrency got me thinking, wow, this is such an amazing idea, I should have been the one to think of it. Well, with Trumpcoin, now I am. My idea. Totally my idea.”
Trump dismissed concerns about whether bondholders would be willing to accept payment in Trumpcoin. “Trust me, once they see the new commemorative Trumpcoin, they will be begging for it,” he said.
Markets reacted negatively to the president’s announcement but quickly recovered when a Treasury spokesman was quoted saying the Treasury department doesn’t pay any attention to the president’s pronouncements.
Reportering for The Lapine