Trump Offers Bernie Sanders Hair Advice

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WASHINGTON — Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told Fox News Sunday today that Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders needs to start using some product in his hair.

“First advice? I think Bernie needs to stop cutting his own hair,” Trump told host Chris Wallace as he turned to give the camera a profile of his own famous swoop.

“And, man, the old guy needs to stop spitting when he talks.”

“But most importantly, Americans should ask themselves — is that the hair that we want on our President?”

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“I have texted Mr. Sanders a non-partisan hair strategy to scrub his scalp with some astringent shampoo like Neutrogena® Therapeutic — then work in some of my The Donald Big Volumizing Conditioner.”

“And before he goes out in public, Bernie should keep it all in place with my patented 4-Day-Hair-Spray now available online — I sent him a gallon bottle but he sent it back…and it shows.”

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Trump’s grooming advice for Bernie Sanders (73) comes as both candidates are surging in their respective party’s leadership polls with Trump (69) leading Jeb Bush’s hair in the Republican race and Sanders scaring the crap out of leading candidate Hillary Clinton (67).

“Look. Every time I see Bernie Sanders, the first thing I think is for the love of God use some gel buddy,” said Trump.

“Then of course I think, hey, he’s just an unglued radical socialist — kind of like a cartoon character or that Doc guy in Back to the Future.”

Bernie Sanders reportedly laughed out loud when told of Trump’s grooming tips by the Washington Post.

“I’m focused on the main issues — not the mane issues,” laughed Sanders.

“I’m a little concerned Mr. Trump has wigged out.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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