Trump Orders Supporters to Ease Up on Kicking Shit Out of Protesters Over Christmas
NEW YORK — In the spirit of Christmas, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today that his supporters will temporarily ease up on the eye-gouging, nose-breaking, and rib-fracturing of Muslims, Mexicans, blacks, and other miscellaneous protesters at his rallies.
“Look. It wouldn’t be Christian to keep hurting these losers over the holidays, Christmas being a Christian celebration and all,” Trump told the NY Times this morning.
“So — ho-ho-ho — for 10 days, I’ve ordered my fans to turn the other cheek to any whiners. They’ll all just be gently escorted out of my events…no spitting in their faces, no hair pulling, no kicks in the schlong area.”“Might even give them a Trump candy cane. You can buy them and other quality Trump holiday gifts online at ShopTheDonald.com…uuuuuge, uuuuuge savings right now!” said Trump in his sales-pitchy voice.
Trump has been heavily criticized recently for not controlling his supporters who regularly attack vocal protesters or anyone who looks at all foreign or gay. Or liberal. Or as if they might be an atheist.
“This whole violence thing has been blown out of proportion by the media and Hillary Clinton,” said Trump in defending the Xmas hiatus from swarming and assaulting people.
“Sure my fans get a little overly patriotic at times…sure they bend back and snap the thumbs of a few people here and there but nobody’s been killed or anything like that.”
“Notice that nobody did actually light that motherfu—that guy on fire in Vegas?”
“Anyway, my fans will be taking Christmas and New Year’s off. Peace on earth and good will towards men etc. etc.”
“Until January 2nd. 9 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. Then the truce is over. No more mister nice guy.”
Reportering for The Lapine