Undecided Voters Pretty Much Waiting to See Who Fucks Up the Most

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OTTAWA — An astounding 61% of Canadians say they can’t decide where to mark their X in the October federal election and it seems that the majority of those undecideds are quietly reserving their decision to see which leader makes the most spectacular, glorious cock-ups.

And a new national poll shows it’s too close a race to call.

“Justin Trudeau is seen as the most likely to pull a big boner…so to speak,” said Nanos Research Vice President Dana Cleary in releasing the poll findings earlier today.

“But undecided voters are also excitedly waiting for Thomas Mulcair to finally lose his famous temper and punch Stephen Harper.”

NDP Leader Tom Mulcair and Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau attend a panel discussion at the “iVote - jeVote” event in Ottawa, Tuesday March 25, 2014. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld

NDP Leader Tom Mulcair and Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau awkwardly forced to sit together at Montreal cafe and think of something to bloody talk about.

“As for Mr. Harper himself, our polls show it’s almost impossible to tell when he’s screwing the pooch,” said Cleary.

“Undecideds say they just can’t read either of his two facial expressions — creepy-serious or fakey-smile — but they seem fairly sure that his fattest whoppers are likely to come right after he says “Let’s be clear here.”

“Basically, voters are betting on Trudeau or Mulcair to somehow screw themselves but they’re binge watching and really, really hoping Harper’s bully ego implodes and he’s reduced to a unelectable, whimpering blob.”

Harper-Bobblehead“Green Party leader Elizabeth May was mentioned only twice and Bloc Quebecois Gilles Duceppe was referred to briefly by a cab driver from Quebec City,” said Cleary.

On the decided voters side, the Nanos poll shows that nearly 30% of Canadians say they will vote for the Conservatives come hell or high water just like their Dad did. The poll shows, however, that this group readily admits that Harper “fibs a lot” and they “wouldn’t have him over for dinner”.

“Harper has my vote no matter what. Even if the stories are true that he played find the peanut a few times with Mike Duffy in that motel, he will always get my vote,” said one Alberta participant.

Harper-All-Other-Leaders-SizedCleary said that this is the highest percentage of undecided voters ever recorded but noted that wavering voters are actually following the leaders and are looking forward to the coming weeks and weeks and weeks leading up to the October 19 election.

“They see it as great entertainment…slurs, insults, temper tantrums, dirty secrets revealed…the whole shmear,” he said.

“They want and fully expect Mulcair to spit on someone soon. They’re hoping Trudeau goes for it and shows up stoned for a debate or two. And they’re waiting for Harper to get caught with all the dirty tricks up his ass…sleeve.”

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“These voters say they don’t want American-style election insanity but accept that that’s what we’ve got…so go big.”

“If an election was held today, hell, I have no idea who would win.”

“But, if the undecideds get their wish, it’ll be a great show.”

“If it gets physical, their money’s on Mulcair…he’s short but he’s a damn tank.”

Jason Jones-Smith
Reportering for The Lapine

 

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