Underground Terrorists Maybe Built Mystery Tunnel Says Harper
TORONTO — Prime Minister Stephen Harper said today that he’s not sure but he’s pretty sure that the mystery tunnel that the experts can’t explain might have maybe been dug by underground terrorists.
“This is exactly the sort of thing that terrorists do,” Harper said after touring the seven-metre long hole in the ground.
“They sneak into a free country like ours and go underground until we’re all asleep in our beds. Then they go all jihaddy-daddy on us.”
“I was suspicious of terrorists back when the mystery tunnel was discovered in mid-January and rushed right here to see it for myself as soon as it hit the news. I see their handiwork in this one.”
“And that’s why, as your leader, I’ve moved swiftly to protect you and your loved ones with action such as Bill C-51 which covers each and every Canadian with a blanket of protective surveillance.”
The tunnel was discovered by a worker more than a month ago in woods on the edge of the York University campus near Toronto’s Rexall Centre, the tennis venue for the Pan American and Parapan Am Games in July. News of the tunnel only became public when police and officials couldn’t make any damn sense of it and appealed to the public for information.
“It’s not illegal to dig a tunnel in Canada,” said Toronto Police Deputy Chief Mark Saunders just prior to Harper’s high-security tour of the hole.
“And as far as tunnels go, this one’s a beaut. Generator, flat-screen TV with Netflix, mini-bar fridge…okay, the couches were a bit ratty, but pretty sweet tunnel.”
“There is nothing to suggest bad guys were up to something here…before you media guys get all crazy. There were no bombs or laptops we’re cracking into.”
“There were a lot of donair wrappers and Starbucks cups though.”
“I think it was students having some pranky fun, myself. These guys can come and get their TV and stuff back if they’ll just fill us in. It’s killin’ us.”
Reportering for The Lapine