Unlimited Tinder to Cost More for Older, Butt-Ugly Users

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NEW YORK — The world’s #1 dating app has announced that people over 30 and anyone who looks like the south end of a donkey going north will have to pay more to use their new Tinder Plus premium services.

If you’re under 30, you can now swipe left or right to your lonely, horny heart’s content for only $9.99 a month.

But if you’re over 30, you’ve likely either already lost any looks you once had or were never much to look at to begin with, and unlimited swiping will cost you $19.99 a month.

“Look. Reality’s a bugger but once you turn 30, you’re likely not that enjoyable to look at,” said Tinder VP of Marketing, Chad Daly (22 next month).

“And having old uglies trying to hook up with young good-lookers is taking away from the whole sense of romance for our users.”

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“We’re hoping the extra $10 a month will give these people the hint that it’s time to maybe take up a hobby…something that will take their minds off being old, unattractive, and alone.”

The move to begin charging high-frequency Tinder users was widely anticipated as many of the app’s estimated 60 million users complain that the system is getting bogged down by homely, past-their-best-before-date men who swipe right to show interest in anyone who meets their standards of being female.

“If this works like we think it will, Tinder will now be solely for young, good-looking men and women…no ugly elders pretending they’re younger and movie-star material. Hahaha,” said Daly.

“So if everyone over 30…and by everyone I mean mostly homely men…could maybe just start up their own dating app, that would be great.”

“And to our fabulous, younger users, keep swiping for only $9.95.”

“TTYL.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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