Unnamed Hairy Senator Expensed $7,285 in Back Waxings
OTTAWA — Refusing to say whether the Senator who claimed weekly back hair removal expenses is male or female, Canada’s Auditor General said today that the procedure is just one example of the many things that taxpayers should be not paying for.
“No Senator with fuzzy shoulders should think it’s his or her right to have that hair removed for free,” said AG Michael Ferguson as more details emerge from his audit of more than 80,000 expense claims made by 116 past and present Senators.
“Nor should any Senator be charging Canadians for a mani-pedi, Apple Watch, fortune tellers, or, in one case, a portable erection pump.”
“The bluntest way to put it is that we found some weird shi…stuff that Senators regularly charge taxpayers for and the RCMP are now investigating everything from a new Lexus to a petty $1.25 charge for Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum.”
“Sheesh. I can’t imagine what we’ll find when we audit Prime Minister Harper and other Members of Parliament next.”
The unfolding news of Senators’ lavish expense claims comes as the Chamber of Sober Second Thought is also under attack for doing what they were told and passing Stephen Harper’s country-changing, citizen-spying Bill C-51.
Ferguson also told reporters this morning that the majority of audited Senators got “hot and huffy”.
“I was gobsmacked. They actually believe that they are entitled to get everything for free and just merrily claim every single thing on their Senate Platinum MasterCard bill every month,” said Ferguson.
Senators earn from $142,000 to $222,000 per year, plus a monthly car allowance, daily food allowance, and full rent or mortgage payments so they can reside within “fair and reasonable limo distance of Parliament Hill”.
“Plus almost all Senators have other jobs as lawyers, tax consultants, and Honorary Board Members…one owns a chain of Taco Bells,” said Ferguson.
“And half are old enough that they’re also collecting a pension.”
“Contrary to what Senators are saying, open-ended expense accounts are not a Queen-given right.”
“Even the Queen pays for her own Netflix.”
Reportering for The Lapine