Vancouver Economic Plan to Rely Entirely on Unaffordable Housing

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VANCOUVER – In what experts are calling the “most creative economical move in decades” the BC provincial government has announced that the City of Vancouver’s economy will now rely entirely on unaffordable housing.

“The time to help the people of Vancouver is now!” BC Premier Christy Clark told reporters in a press conference held in front of a truly unaffordable old house.

“We have a housing crisis, but why does it need to be a ‘crisis’? Why not a housing opportunity? Let’s turn lemons into lemonade,” Clark continued as she announced her new ‘Unaffordable-Housing-Opportunity Plan’ to reporters.Vancouver-Millionaire-can't-afford-house“If we can move the average house price up from the current $1.2 million to say $1.5 or $2 million then the economy will prosper — forcing our middle and lower classes to relocate is only a side-effect of this strategy that we’re putting in place to help them.”

“We’re very excited about Vancouver’s new direction,” said equity fund manager Richard Moore in attendance at the announcement along with his wife Linda.  “I am confident that more unaffordable housing will solve Vancouver’s homeless problem. If there is no one here to complain about the cost of living…well…is it really a problem any more?”

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Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson did not attend Premier Clark’s Unaffordable Housing media conference but did send along this snappy photo.

Mr. Moore admits he and his wife don’t actually live in Vancouver but say they are eager to become future ‘Vancouverites’ once the new unaffordable housing program shows results.

“We are experimenting with our thrilling new strategy in the City of Vancouver first, but I’d like to reassure the rest of BC that they are next!” stated Premier Clark excitedly.Vancouver-Real-Estate-Signs-Sized”The people of Vancouver will soon see what we realized in creating this bold new strategy — they have been spending way too much time and energy being poor in Vancouver.”

A CTV reporter asked Clark when the ‘Unaffordable-Housing-Opportunity plan’ would be implemented and whether there was time for an appeal. Clark confessed that ‘the plan’ was not her idea and has actually been in place since 1996 but boasted that it was her idea to have the word ‘crisis’ removed.

“This is the ‘real-change’ the people of BC cried out for back in 2014. I am simply delivering on what I promised.”

Robert Dean
Reportering for The Lapine

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