White Collar Prisons To Build Open Bars, Spas, In New Prison Bill

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New legislation titled ‘Humane Prison Bill’ was passed yesterday in the House of Commons by an overwhelming margin. The private member’s bill, introduced by the Independent MP Bill Roberts last year, includes a provision to add open bars and inclusive spas to Canada’s minimum security prisons. Bill Roberts, unfortunately, was not able to vote on his own successful legislation as he has since been convicted of insider trading and is currently serving seven years at Frotenac Institute, a minimum security prison in Ontario.

The Lapine reporters failed to get an interview with Mr. Roberts as prison guards informed us that Mr. Roberts was too busy watching the ‘big game’ with his new friends.

So our dogged reporters visited another minimum security prison, to interview the white collar inmates there and find out how this new legislation would affect them. Jim Paxton, a wealthy investor serving four years for tax evasion, said that the new bill would positively affect his life. “When the prison first started buying pool tables and hiring strippers it was nice. But still, things did start to get pretty boring, I mean I don’t even like the game pool, and the actual pool we have is only set up for laps. I hate swimming laps! Now though we will be able to finally relax a little better in here; have a few drinks at the open bar, get a manicure every now and then.” Is how the wealthy investor phrased his feelings to us as he worked on his laptop, deftly managing and transferring capital through various hedge funds and foreign bank accounts.

When pressed, Mr. Paxton did have one complaint about his Fraser Valley based prison, known as ‘Ferndale Institution’. “I hate the climate, I mean it rains all the time, and the humidity… I was raised in Florida and this weather is absolutely insufferable. I mean for a couple months it’s OK, but after that, with no vacations or anything…”

In the words of Jim Paxton’s friend and fellow inmate Dan Srikes, a former lawyer, the constantly depressing weather constitutes a ‘cruel and unusual punishment’. Something which is forbidden under Canadian law, lucky for Mr. Srikes however, and for all of Canada’s rich nonviolent white collar felons, a new Bill is being formulated by the Liberal MP Sherry Hans. This new bill would mandate the transfer of prisons to Canada’s warmer and more tolerable Okanogan Region. A place where, in her own words, “the weather is a little more humane and similar to what these corporate executives, lawyers, investors and so on are used to.”

So perhaps, in the near future, there will be a little more relief and rehabilitation for our peaceful, and very white, white collar offenders.

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